Does anyone really care??

I wish he'd just deleted his bebo cos now im basically stalking him, and everytime hes online i go and check his comments. Its driving me nuts. Hes left loads of folk comments asking to meet up and all this, as if i kept him from doing that in the first place, which i would never ever do!
I just want him back sooo badly. I thought it was supposed to get easier? It seems to be getting harder and harder to get him out of my mind, im just not ready to let go, but he has, i can see that. All i want to do is for him to call up and say he's decided he wants me back and we can go live in the flat happily ever after, but i know that won't happen. In the relationship it was always me who put in that extra effort and i know if i want him back i'll have to put in the effort aswell. But i'm ok with that. I'll do whatever it takes.

My mum is doing my head in and just generall being a bit of a cow. Its when shes like that it makes me even more upset, she knows what im going through but her sympathy is really limited. She was nice about it for a few days.
I wanted to move out to get away from her moaning and whining, but that's not going to happen for a long time. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin everything by being so selfish?
Im sick of people saying time heals and move on, cos i cant just magic him out of my head, hes stuck there. In time, i want him to see what a mistake he made and i want him to know he can have me back at anytime and i don't care what people say cos all i want is to have peace in my heart. People are telling me to fake a smile and then it'll come naturally but i have tried that and it so doesn't work with me.

I just wish i knew what i could do to get him to come back to me. I would pay any money, give anything just to know this.

I feel so empty, so lonely, so unloved.

xxx

Today i had to work but i had a really shitty sleep last nite, mayB cos of my room being moved around. I got up this morning with a sick, sinking feeling in my belly which can only be described as heartache.
At work, i decided to give him a phone. I know i shouldn't have, but i made it sound like i called for a reason, cos our dogs getting trained. He seemed so distant. We chatted idley and i said about his sisters 18th, which i was invited to and asked if he'd be cool with me going. I know my friend is going but i pretended that she wasn't, and asked if mayB we could sit together. He said yeah but he had to leave at 11pm for work, but it kinda made me feel better that he said yes. He could have just said it out of politeless, but he said it all the same.
After we had the dog trained, i called back and told him about it. He'd been on Bebo, putting up new pics of himself and his workmates who he is actually obsessed with, and i just felt soooo shitty. I don't even know why. I just talked to him about how i wanted to be friends, and when he pays his fone bill he should give me a fone and we could arrange something. Thing is, I think he will eventually decide he wants a relationship, and then i want to be waiting in the wings so i'm the first face he sees. I'm going to do my best to not talk about our relationship anymore to him, cos i want him to think of me as the person he first loved, and liked.
I think that one day, it will work. But not right now, whilst he's going thru this time. His mum said to me she thinks its like a crisis he's having cos he works so much, which is kind of what i thought in the first place. You can't love someone on Monday and 'like' them on Friday, especially when they haven't done anything wrong.
I just hope he realises soon, until then i have to get on with my life which is going to be so difficult, and learn NOT to call him. It's just, he has such a busy life, and i don't. I was mostly bored when i was with him, now i'm not i have nothing to do, and i dont actually want to do anything. I feel pathetic, inadequate, worthless and depressed, and everyone is being so nice, i just feel like i need to get away.

Grrrr i hate men! Why do they do this to us....

So i ad to work today. The first thing someone sed when i walked in was 'oh hows the flat?'.
I just had to smile whilst i told her and her face dropped a million miles. She was shocked and embarrased bless her. It was ok tho, i felt ok. I had to take two painkillers to get through the afternoon, and having to tell everyone. My old boss came in and i told her, she was so surprised too! We spoke for ages tho and i kind of felt better. On the way home i got a bit tearful tho, probs just the painkillers wearing off and back to reality.
I decided to change my room around, move all the furniture and stuff, and i've decided to redecorate too. Just moving stuff felt better, although finding his stuff hurt so bad! I just wish that he hadn't left anything here. Although it means i'll get to see him again soon, so mayB its not all bad. I was on bebo, and hes set his status to single. That made me stop and stare and it kinda made it actually it home, hes taken all the stuff about me off of it too. I just feel like he's being so cold. I bebo'd him privately and said i'd like it if in a few weeks we could maybe do something and be friendly, but who knows really.I have accepted its over, but only for now. He'll grow up, im pretty sure, and realise that he doesnt want to be alone. I just want to be there when he does so that i can say lets try again. But mayB i wont feel like that then. I just dont want to loose touch incase he does that. plus, i know that his co-worker wants him, and im pretty sure something will happen between them cos she seems like a little shit, shes text me and been nice but i know shes talking behind my back. Grrrr i hate her! Shes older than him, been married and divorced. If he doesn't want a serious relationship, hes not doing well being near her.
I just love the guy. U can't help that really. I want to cry, but tomorrow is another day and im sure ill be a teeny tiny bit better then.

Over and out xx

Ok so this is the first one of these ive ever done. You think you have so much to say until u actually sit down to write it all out, then you're like 'ehhh well...' LOL!
My boyfriend of two and a half years chucked me 2 weeks ago and today was when i entered the 2nd stage of break-up-dom: realisation that its actually happened and he doesnt want me back.
When i asked him if he loved me, he just said 'i did'. Thats when it hit me, No matter how much i beg and plead this man does not want me and he isn't going to change his mind in 5 minutes is he?
I felt like the lowest of the low. I begged, i pleaded, i told him i couldnt live without him, i cried. He just shook his head-no. He wanted to live the single life, not be accountable to anyone. But he assured me he wasn't interested in anyone else, and didn't want to start a relationship with another woman. He said i was perfect. If i was perfect, why did he just bin me like that, when we had been so happy?
I just don't understand. I've cried so much i think im going to explode. My face and eyes are red raw with the tears and hurt, my stomach feels like there is a football in it, even though i've lost over half a stone through not eating. I take 4 or 6 painkillers a day which are prescribed to my mum for arthritis, and on an empty stomach thats not good news. But i am in physical pain here! It hurts so bad in my stomach, in my heart and chest that i have to get some rest somehow. I think i'll ask my doctor for something a little safer.

Its like all i've ever known and wanted has been stripped away and im left with a gaping hole that nothing but him can fill. And he is not interested in helping me. I can't actually believe he would be so selfish, yet i find myself defending him as though hes done nothing wrong wen, infact, hes ripped my heart from my chest and stamped all over it, then ran away skipping into the sunset happy as larry. Thats how it feels. He says he misses me, but obviously more as a friend than anything else.

I wish there was a magic cure that could make me forget him or make him want me back. If anyone finds it then let me know ok!

peace xxx